Father's Day

The Secret Ingredient of Fatherhood

A number of years ago there was on article in the local newspaper on Father’s Day entitled:”The Secret Ingredient of Fatherhood: Giving Approval”. I must have been impressed with the title, and not the article, because I saved a clip of only the title and used it as the title for my Father’s Day sermon the following year. The title suggests that there is an ingredient to being a father that most people don’t think about. According to the article, that ingredient is giving approval.

We all like to know that other people approve of us. We like to hear compliments and be told what good people we are. And approval means even more if it comes from a family member, because they usually know us better than anyone else. That is especially true when parents give their approval, and maybe especially when fathers give their approval. It is natural for children to want to please their parents, and for children to know that their parents support them and love them unconditionally. When a child, including a grown child, has the approval of their parents, it can make a world of difference.

One of the keys to giving approval is to realize that no one is perfect. It is part of being human to be imperfect. The best parents realize that they are not perfect and, they also acknowledge that their children are not perfect. It can also help to have a good sense of humor.

A few years back, one of the bestselling books was Fatherhood by Bill Cosby. Cosby is a successful comedian because he combines two important elements: truth and humor. Here is a sample from his book: “Poets have said the reason we have children is to give ourselves immortality; and I must admit I did ask God to give me a son because I wanted someone to carry on the family name. Well, God did just that, and I now confess that there have been times when I’ve told my son not to reveal who he is. “You make up a name,” I’ve said. “Just don’t tell anybody who you are.”

It helps to have a good sense of humor. There have been times when children have embarrassed their parents. And there have also been times when parents have embarrassed their children. Sometimes the best we can do is grin and bear it.

Another key to giving approval is forgiveness. It isn’t always easy to do, but the best parents are those who are able to forgive their children. The list is endless of the things that children may do. It may run from keeping the parents up half the night, to being lazy and doing almost nothing. It may include children acting their age, or acting younger than their age. It is almost impossible for a parent to express approval if they are not able to forgive. It doesn’t mean that a parent approves of poor behavior, but it does mean that when a child does something wrong, painful, or dumb, that a parent can eventually let it go.

It is part of parenting to identify a child’s mistakes, to correct them, and even to punish them. But it is not good to continually remind a child of everything that they have done wrong, or to expect them to pay for it indefinitely. That doesn’t mean that there may not be natural consequences for their behavior, but it does mean that a parent doesn’t hold it over a child forever. Forgiveness means letting go and is an important part of giving approval.

Another key to giving approval is affirming the gifts and strengths of someone, especially a child. We usually call this positive reinforcement. We all know that compliments will get better results than criticism, but sometimes we need to be reminded. On the other hand, there can be too few expectations and too few requirements for the behavior for children. They usually feel more secure if there are certain boundaries, although they may often test those boundaries.

Every parent knows that this parenting thing is not easy. There seems to be a different challenge every day. It can be difficult knowing when to say yes and when to say no. It can be a difficult choice in different situations when a parent has to choose whether to be strict, or to be lenient. After all, parents are not perfect, and neither are children. It can be a healthy thing to admit our strengths and weaknesses, and our successes and our failures. That is true for both parents and children.

One thing that can be said about family life is that it is never dull. There is always something going on. Someone has said that if you get two people together you will have conflict. And the best definition for conflict that I know is two ideas in the same place at the same time. Conflict is not necessarily a bad thing. It can be very constructive and productive when handled wisely. It can be handled creatively in relationships where there is mutual love and support. That is what makes the difference between good relationships and poor ones- mutual love and support.

Here is a reminder to give thanks to God for families and especially for fathers. And also a reminder for fathers to do the best that they can for their children, giving them approval whenever they can. It is one of the secret ingredients of fatherhood.


I once saw a list of the top ten things that you won’t hear a father say. I trimmed the list to five things and here they are:
The Top Five Things You Won’t Hear A Father Say:
1. No really honey, you sit this one out. I really want to change that diaper.
2. Can you turn up the music? It really calms my nerves.
3. Go ahead, take my car – here’s $50 for gas.
4. As a matter of fact, let’s both go get nose rings!
5. Here, you take the remote.